Messy Consistency and Letting Go

This episode explores the joys and challenges of navigating hyperfixations, particularly through the lens of being autistic. I reflect on the complexities of friendships and self-worth, emphasizing the need for understanding and embracing one's unique path, delve into complexities in autistic friendships, and unpack feelings of worthlessness and attachment

Chapters

• 0:20 Challenges of Autism in Relationships
• 10:59 Building Community and Reclaiming Worthiness

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:20

Hello and welcome to a new episode of A Spectrum of Hyperfixations. I'm your host, miss T. Today, the T is going to stand for tiny child, because I just today learned about something called shimejis I think is what it is and I saw a post on Facebook from one of the Hasbun Hotel fan pages and it was showing like these little Lucifers and Alistars running around on someone's phone screen and also on the desktop screen, and I absolutely had to have it. So now I've got two Lucifers and two Alistars just chilling on my desktop. They're crawling around, and it started off with one and then randomly another one dropped down, so now there's two of each. They are so freaking cute and they are a little distracting, but they like, oh my gosh, I'm feeling like very much like a child and oh, lucifer, just duplicated, like, how many are going to appear on the screen is what I really want to know. But this is so much fun. I feel like a tiny child and it's going to be so distracting now, like when I actually write my husband hotel fanfics, because they're just going to be staring at me and I'm putting them in horrible situations. So anyways, well, let's get into it. I know I had mentioned doing this like every other week, and then every other week went by and there wasn't a new episode, and so I'm feeling like this is just going to be. Oh my gosh, lucifer just spawned another one. Holy crap, he's multiplying so quickly See Distractions, hyper fixating.

Speaker 1: 2:18

But I feel, if any of you know, tell them, steve Dave, the podcast, tell them, steve Dave, those boys, bri, walt and Q, would have such a random recording schedule and posting that you never knew when you were going to get a new episode. It could have been months, it could be weeks, it could be just a few days. I don't know if they've gotten on a more regular schedule. I haven't listened to them recently, but I feel like that's kind of what it's going to be. Like Kevin Smith's other podcast too, like Smodcast very random, but yeah, that might be just what this is and that's okay. That might be just what this is and that's okay. It's okay to, as my friend calls messy, consistent, messy consistency. And I don't want to put too much pressure on myself, because there is some weeks where I'm like I really don't have anything to talk to and I don't want to just talk to talk. So this is just all a roundabout way to say that I don't think there's going to be a set schedule and that's okay.

Speaker 1: 3:33

One of the things I'm leaning into is doing things different than what I learned from some of the coaches I was in spaces with and how they were doing things and how they said like you know, you kind of need to do it this way and whatnot, and it works for them, not working for me, and that's okay. And learning to release that. It was like I just I unfollowed a coach that I had been in a lot of her spaces and it was very hard to unfollow on TikTok. But just some patterns I was noticing didn't align with what I felt she was teaching on and speaking and with a couple of her recent TikToks it just felt kind of icky and so I made that decision to unfollow and separate and I'm feeling all the feels of disappointment upset because it is. It's kind of like you know you watch somebody fall from grace a bit in your eyes, not like they're falling from grace in the public's feet or anything like that. I think she did a little bit, but just based on one of her TikToks coming out and saying who she voted for and anyways that I won't get into all that, because that's a whole other thing I'm processing on this end, but I just wanted to say, like you, do you what feels good for you, what feels best for you, um, you go at your own pace, you do your own thing, um, you don't have to base it on anybody else. What works for them is great, um, and you are doing everything, uh, as you are meant to. That's kind of what I want to say. There has not been a lot of cheers these last few weeks. I'll just be super honest.

Speaker 1: 5:35

There was a week where I was feeling very depressed and sad about being autistic, about being autistic, and it kind of all culminated with the deterioration of a friendship that I thought I had. That was pretty solid, and last year it was evident that something had shifted, and it wasn't me, but it was the other person. And as someone who's autistic, we tend to have, you know, very a strong sense of like I need to fix this. And I asked her I'm like how can I fix this, how can we go back to how things were? And she said, like there was nothing for me to fix.

Speaker 1: 6:25

And it's very hard to believe and accept that, because when you feel things so very intensely and you get very attached to a friend. It's difficult and so I was going back through, you know, all my books that I bought on autism and women and autism and one of the things I came across that reiterated, like you know, we we can become hyper fixated on friends and the relationship can feel very intense because we care a lot about that person. And when you quote, unquote info dump or you have somebody do hyper fixate on the thing that you love with, it's like a exchange saying like I really care about you, so I'm going to talk about this subject because I really care about you, sort of thing. And so with that added layer it can become like you don't want to share that friend with anybody and it becomes really intense and then the friendship kind of dissipates because the other friend doesn't see it that way. Or, you know, it's just like it's, it's messy to be autistic and in friendships, and especially one born out of a hyper fixation, a shared interest, and it's brought up a lot of, you know, like past trauma, past feelings with the relationships and me thinking, you know, I don't have any worth, I'm not like I'm too much, I'm too intense, I am a failure, that I keep ruining things.

Speaker 1: 8:09

It's all my fault. Um, how, how can they not see my worth? What, like? What am I doing wrong? All the things? And so it's been hard. Um, and being autistic, we, you know, we get stuck in that loop of replaying things over and over in our mind, we ruminate on it and it's just, yeah, it's been difficult for someone I had trusted and everything, and then to suddenly have it flip and I am not aware that it did Like having and being autistic. You know, we are very good at recognizing patterns and seeing patterns, and so when that pattern is disrupted, as in we're not talking like we used to, it's yeah, it's just, it's just hard. And so that's just kind of.

Speaker 1: 9:18

I guess my topic of today is the difficulties that come with being autistic and being in relationships with other people, whether it be friendship, whether it be romantic, whatever. Relationships with other people, whether it be friendship, whether it be romantic, whatever, it's just hard. And I am planning and working on creating like an eight-week course and then a condensed talk, like keynote speech or whatever, to discuss the differences and challenges with being autistic, because I think a lot of people still have preconceived notions of what that is and what that looks like. People tend to go and imagine like a high support needs person, where that is like they should be represented and also we still need to take care of our people who are, um, who do have low support needs but then day to day it can vary from low to high support needs. Like I am someone who typically has low support needs but on days like I, some days are really bad and I need high support. So just it's kind of like if anybody was questioning whether they may be autistic. It could be good for them to do this course or just for the general public to understand what that means. You know, maybe you have a coworker, maybe you have a friend, a sibling, you know, and what does that look like? How can you learn and adapt to how they communicate, how they process things, how to just best support them? So that's kind of on my radar of things to do.

Speaker 1: 10:59

And I am looking at Patreon now to maybe, you know, have all these podcast episodes but also have things, um, like, if you want to to learn things, maybe have a behind a membership or just a one-off behind a membership or just a one-off, you know, payment sort of thing, or um, just also having a space to um share freely, um, like free stuff or um, just yeah, because I I would love to build a community and um, like, right now I'm only, I'm only subscribed to two page rounds right now and that is the ralph report and, uh, key moments for dragon balls, these stuff. Uh, love those boys. But I think I'm gonna go the way of patreon just to like host courses and talks and maybe show video for these podcasts or whatever. But, um, if that's the case, I do hope you come over and support um, definitely gonna, definitely going to have like a free tier and again, like, this is just something that popped into my head this week, so I'm still kind of looking at it, and then I would have to record all the courses and this and that.

Speaker 1: 12:11

But yeah, I just want to find a way to kind of reclaim my power and my worth and I will admit my last message to this friend was a bit petty. I wanted to make it that kind of like well, this is what you're missing out on sort of thing, like in a breakup, like in a breakup, and be like you're missing out on xyz and you're gonna be sorry that xyz, you know sort of thing like take back that power and feel like I'm worth something, and for a fleeting moment I believed it and now I'm back to like I am so worthless I don't deserve friends, all those sort of things. So, man, this is a debbie downer episode. I'm so sorry, but and as I've been speaking, lucifer has just I don't even know how many are on this screen now, and they're just on all sides, and I think there's still only two Alistars maybe I lost sight of. Oh, yep, okay, there's one. He's way up in the upper left corner and then another one down here on the right. I don't know what's going on with him. He is not reproduced or anything. Maybe that's not the right word to use, but there are so many little Top Hat Lucys on my screen. It is unreal. And, oh my gosh, he just spawned another one and another one just dropped out. They are taking over. I don't know how you get them to like condense themselves, because this is nuts. This is so nuts to watch. I wish you could see my screen right now. It's so funny. I think that's it for today.

Speaker 1: 13:54

I just kind of wanted to pop in here and, um, bear my soul a little bit on the mic. Um, again, messy, consistent, as my friend says, and uh, yeah. So, um, I'm here for you if you are are struggling. Um, like, like me, being a life coach doesn't make me immune to human feelings and old stories, old patterns and things like that. I will say I'm definitely more equipped to help people overcome their own and to find their worth than I am for myself, and that's why I have a therapist and other coaches I leave on for my stuff. But, yeah, as a coach, I would still very much love to help you if that is something you're interested in. Or, yeah, I just again I'm getting distracted by the little shimajis on my screen. So, um, that's it for today. Um, take care of yourself. You are stronger than you feel. And um, just just take care, take care, love yourself, care, love yourself.