Embracing Positivity and Growth

Have you ever found light in the darkest of times? Join me, Miss T, as I share a deeply personal recount of my second year in recovery, a journey marked by the emotional peaks and valleys of navigating mental health challenges. Reflecting on the significance of Suicide Prevention Awareness Month, I open up about my battles with suicidal ideation and experiences with hospitalization. 

Together, let’s explore how small acts of kindness and moments of brightness can make a difference. I encourage you to spread positivity, embrace all things bright and glittering, and be the rainbow in someone else's life.

Chapters

• 0:25 Navigating Year Two in Recovery
• 10:15 Finding Light in the Darkness

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:25

Hello and welcome to another episode of A Spectrum of Hyperfixations. I am your host, miss T, and the T today stands for trying, because I feel like I am just constantly just trying, constantly just trying trying to keep my thoughts positive, trying to improve my self-image, trying to not fall into old trauma patterns, and so basically just trying. And also this continues to be trying a new thing for podcasting um, trying to find out how to get the audio good, um, trying to figure out what to talk about and trying to have the courage to finally just post it. So I didn't want to publish any episodes until I had sort of a decent catalog built up, like I'm talking maybe five to six episodes and the. The first two episodes I recorded were done back in August, the first one being after my birthday, which was August 7th, and you'll hear me reference it in the the first episode, and then the next one was later in August, and now we're in September. We are in the beginning of September and I didn't want to wait any longer because September is an important month, it is something close to my heart and that is suicide and prevention awareness month. Will, you know, probably talk about it at length at some point on episode for this podcast, because I mean, it is something that you know I hyper fixate on, because it's something that is still very much with me, and that is when I fell into severe suicide ideation, to the point of being hospitalized, and that was a very unique and traumatic experience because you go to get help and then you're stuck in the ER for 51 hours Great and basically in solitary confinement. So, um, I might link, you know, uh, episodes of other podcasts that I've guested on where I've talked about this. Um, but, uh, just, this is something that is on my mind and this is something that I wanted to, you know, really just get out there and post these podcasts too in order to, um, maybe speak more this month about my experience and all.

Speaker 1: 3:13

But currently I am kind of in a bit of a valley, I guess, and, um, I didn't realize that this month would feel as heavy as it does, and I'm kind of realizing that year two in recovery is much harder than year one was and I expected it to be easier, if anything. You know, year one I found life coaching and life coaching school. I learned a lot through that schooling about emotions and your brain and the stories we all tell ourselves, and just also digging into trauma and learning more about that, learning about myself, and continuing to read up on autism and it was just year one was, you know, kind of laying groundwork. And now I feel that year two, my, my brain is kind of like hey, so you did all of this inner work and you've really grown and now we're going to show you all of the dust bunnies that you banished to the corners of your mind and we're just going to bring those up so you can process them now fully, because you are more capable and you have more tools in the box. And the thing is, it feels like really, really hard. It feels really overwhelming, almost even more so. But the good thing is is that I'm able to better recognize it. Um, I have been able to move through it a bit quicker, to come out to the other side of it, but it's still. It's like it's very, very hard. And right now I'm in one of those lulls where, you know, I'm just self-deprecating a lot and wanting to isolate and all of these things. So I was kind of wanted to uh again, I'm just repeating myself a moment. Um, again, this is a learning we're trying. We're trying.

Speaker 1: 5:24

So for this episode I wanted to just pick a card at random from a deck of playing cards that I got from archer and olive. It was in their, I think it was like in their mental health box, subscription box or some sort of box last year or earlier this year, I can't honestly remember, but they do like really nice boxes where you uh, this one had a journal, it had washi tape, it had a stick of playing cards and it kind of is like mental mental health encouraging cards or just reflection cards that either ask you a question or gives you a little thing to do. Each card suit represents a category of prompts or activities to be a guide as you prioritize your self-care. That's what it was the self-care box. So let's just pick a card off the top. This happens to be the I could. I was looking for a blank card suit. It only shows me a book. So card two of books.

Speaker 1: 6:37

So this says reflect on a recent act of kindness you have given or received. How did it impact you? So I was thinking about this before I started recording and just my mom surprised me by saying that she was going to give me an early Christmas gift which was going in halfsies on a VIP ticket to Lindsay Sterling's Snowballs concert that is coming here in December and I had told her, you know, like I really want to be a key because I really want to do great with her. Like, we saw her at the Bach Center in July and it was the first concert that we've seen that wasn't her Christmas one and I was just blown away. And I've been listening to her album the newest one, duality pretty much every day since at work. It's a good vibe, it's good jams and just excellent, and I I'm like I want to do the VIP experience. I want to just meet her and be in her amazing presence because she just seems like the genuine human being to be kind and, um, just generous and incredible, and I want to feel that energy exchange.

Speaker 1: 8:01

So I was at work and I looked when the pre-sale went on and I saw the cost and I got bummed and and I'm like I can't do that and so I texted my mom and told her that I was like don't worry about getting VIPs, we'll just get. And she texted me back and she said too late, merry, early Christmas, I will gift you part of this. And I legitimately started crying and luckily I was down at the film machine where nobody else was around, pulling old recorded documents for my corporate job and I started crying because I was just like in awe and just felt so loved, which has been a struggle these past few weeks too, of just feeling unloved and unworthy. You know all those yucky things that go into you know that that downward spiral that I'm so afraid will happen, and I am so excited.

Speaker 1: 9:03

I've heard it said that it is very important to keep something on your calendar to look forward to because it just like it, keeps this excitement and this um, now I'm not even sure what to call this not expectation, but again, just something to look forward to, something to be excited about. You know, because we can get so caught up in just the, the humdrum of everything and, uh, you have nothing to look forward to. You know, as a kid, we look forward to summer vacation, we would look forward to christmas vacation, all the vacations, and as an adult you really don't get any of that. So it's even more important to have something on the calendar where you can indulge yourself a little bit of fun. So that was the kindness that I have received and I want to pose that question to you, take some time to reflect on it. Uh, have you given it, have you received it, and what was the impact on you? For me, it was a feeling of being loved that someone genuinely wanted to help me fulfill. You know, this kind of dream I had and, uh, very much looking forward to it. I cannot wait.

Speaker 1: 10:15

This year I have met Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes and Rob Garman on the cruise at SKU If you are familiar with the SKU universe or whatever from director Kevin Smith, and then now at the end of the year, I am going to meet Sterling and it's it's gonna probably feel really powerful, because Decembercember is also the month in which I went into the hospital, so I know that that is just going to be really powerful.

Speaker 1: 10:47

I expect myself to be a crying mess and I hope I can get out the words to her to at least thank her for just what she is doing. The light she is in the world and that's what I kind of want to leave you on today with is how can you be a light in the world and how can you be in the light of somebody else? You know, if you're feeling in the dark, how can we help? You know? How can you be reached? How can we just you know, shine a light on this? So please drop me a line Be a rainbow. I love rainbows, I love glitter, I love all the things, and we will talk later. Bye, love you.